I have debated for many weeks whether or not I was going to blog about this. However, I have come to realize that talking about it is one of the best ways for me to heal. I have also come to realize that I am one of countless women that have to go through this, and not only that many don't feel comfortable talking about it. So let me just say this now if you experience the same thing and need to talk...I will talk (better yet the Holy Spirit will talk through me :))
For those of you that don't know (and I think everyone that actually reads my blog knows!) I recently had a miscarriage. This was me and cody's first baby. We weren't actually planning on this pregnancy, but were wonderfully surprised by it's arrival. I found out I was pregnant in February and was trying to keep it a secret until I could announce it to my family. Little did I know that the day after I announced it to my family I would be in the emergency room. I was about 6-7 weeks along at the time, and so stunned and shocked at even seeing blood that I didn't know what to do. During this time Cody was deployed to Hawaii. God was so gracious to give my mother the wonderful idea of bringing me to Alabama for a week while he was gone. I was so thankful that I was at my parents house when all this went down.
A couple of weeks after the miscarriage I was going to be dancing at a women's retreat at Falls Creek. There were two other girls dancing with me...one was pregnant! Our speaker was Jennifer Rothschild. The weekend was about walking by faith and not by sight. Her first talk was about questioning God. I felt like the Lord was speaking straight to me through this woman. She talked about how it is ok to ask God questions, but we are not to question God's character. Then and there I felt such a release. I had been feeling so guilty for asking God Why my baby? Why was Cody gone? Why did I miscarry in a public restroom? Why did I get pregnant in the first place only to lose my baby? WHY WHY WHY?!?!!?
But the never changing always constant truth is....
God is love, God is peace, God is mercy, God is grace, God is holy, God is constant, God is all powerful, God is the creator and sustainer, God is hope, God is faithful, God is just, God is compassion, God is the healer.
That's it He is every inch of all of those words. His character is what sustains me...not the answers to my question. His goodness and mercy are what heal me. And then I think about just how gracious God truly is...
*I was with my parents when it happened
*God placed several women in my life to counsel and guide me through the process
*God created my body to know when something is wrong with my baby
*God gave me the ability to feel and have compassion on women who lose children
*God has revealed more of His character to me and deepened my intimacy with Him through this time of question and hurt
The bottom line is we live in a fallen wretched world, but God takes these things that may not appear to be "good" and uses them to glorify His name. So if you have WHY questions for God...I would encourage you to ask them. It's ok to ask him WHY...and then I would encourage you to ponder on His character. The awesome thing is when you ask him WHY? it opens the door for Him to reveal so much more of Himself to you.
Now don't get me wrong...I still struggle. Every time I see a pregnant woman it stings a little bit. I called my mom and some other women just yesterday crying, but that's ok. God also created me to grieve...and what's even greater than that is God created me to be dependant on Him. That's His grace right there...He knew that without my dependence on Him I would be one hopeless and hurting woman
6 comments:
Oh Hayley - what a blessed message you have received through the Holy Spirit. Our God is truley awesome. I grieve for your broken heart yet rejoice that our saviour is here to comfort you, carry you and heal you. Thank you for sharing...the Holy Spirit has spoken through you to me personally. I love you. A.M.
Love you Hayley! I know that I already sent you this, but "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and its okay to grieve when hope seems to have been pushed back. But trust me, He is so sweet in it all and through it all and faithful to the end. Love you. Talk to you soon.
Sweet daughter...how lovely the fragrance of the aroma of Christ in you the hope of glory is...and I see so many glimpses of God's glory in this blog!!!
aw! thank you for sharing this! it's so true that trials can produce such sweet things in us. i too hate that you had to experience such a painful thing but love that you are pouring your pain back to the Lord and walking in a way that is Godly and beautiful. love you sweet girl!
Hey Hayley it is crazy reading this because I just had my 3rd miscarriage in Feb. and I thought for sure this time was gonna be good but it didn't and I questioned but I know that my time will come it was as if he let me know. So deep in my heart I know one day I will be a mom and everything will be ok. It really sucks bc I know your pain of seeing everyone around you pregnant and being happy it is hard not to say Why can't that be me? But girly you will have the blessing of being a mom. I dont even know yu=ou except through here but you talking about this has really helped me listening to your story. I am praying for you and I am so sorry. And what gets me through this is knowing GOD never gives us more than we can handle!
you are so beautiful hayley!
thank you for allowing the Lord to shine through you, even through such a trying time.
He will use you sweet sister... in soooo many lives due to your openness!
know that you are loved!
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